Dreams vs. Reality vs. Fantasy: Defining My Boundary Lines

I was listening to The Eminem Show when this blog post’s inspiration hit me. So if you’re a fan of Mr. Marshall Mathers you are aware that his body of artwork is extensive and includes songs like Stan, The Way I Am, Square Dance, and at the time of this writing I was enjoying Superman. His music is go-to tickle juice for my Muse and for my writing. This post is going to speak to how I use music to write and  give a glimpse inside my art making  process.

First, I have a lot of tools in my writing toolbox. My favorite is what society defines as a Bipolar mindset. The problems with this way of thinking are that Bipolar Condition (Mental Illness) can either be considered a blessing or a punishment/curse from my Higher Power. I also have the bad habit of smoking, cigarettes for the most part and marijuana. Weed and my psych meds disagree, so at the moment no green smoky treats for moi. I use other fiction writing authors and self-help books on obtaining better mental health as the majority of my current reading materials. And of course there is Coffee & Music, the other addictions I claim.

What my latest manic episode has taught me is that I have to do some pre-planning to tap into the gift from the universe that being bipolar allows for my life. If not, I get off schedule, out of sync with the world as a whole. Time becomes a fictional concept in my world. I believe anyone can do this just lose track of a clock. Unplug the ones in your room. Want to travel back in time? Remember any event from your past. Want to connect with Father Time again? Check the current time/date. There you go, how I mentally time travel. Most people I know just go to sleep to dream or label this daydreaming/fantasizing.

If you’ll remember from the following post I once upon a time in my life met with the band Type-O-Negative. Reality says, they have met a lot of fans over the years and couldn't possibly keep track of them all. In my mind they remember meeting me. It was that special of an event to me that if they don’t recall our real world encounter, well, my ego would hurt a bit. It is a great story that I still share today (tweaked as needed for the audience).

That’s thing about meeting a bonafide celebrity face to face. I’m a long time fangirl and I’m shy when these chance meetings occur. I can claim a semi-famous woman as a long time fellow artist. We were roommates in my late 20s and speak via the phone regularly. So I pimp, er, yeah PIMP my buddies as part of the ‘good to know ya package’ that comes with our friendship. Check her out, Jennie Breeden, creator of the webcomic The Devil’s Panties. I also know Mr. Jaz McKay, the long time power voice of 1560am KNZR. As my personal Howard Stern to my Robin Quivers, our viewpoints often agree to disagree which is what I admire most about him.

That brings me back to listening to Slim Shady. I’ve never actually met Eminem other than listening to his music. For me listening to someone I admire as much as I do, well, I hear something personal in their lyrics. The song Stan suggests for Eminem having and interacting with fans can be hard and taken personally. I hear a love letter meant for me when listening to most of his music. I feel special, connected, can relate, despite the fact that the real world has proven Marshall Mathers creates his art about the people in his life. Reality: he has no idea who I am; he’s never heard of Stephanie Monique, I’m “not even on his radar”. That is the beauty of great artwork for me. I can find something in it to inspire me. It speaks to me on a soul level. The song becomes a serenade of Goddess’s will working in my life.

This is what I love about letting that which I treasure be my religion. I gain something unique and meant for me by listening to music, watching TV, reading books, enjoying the artwork of others. I imagine that this is something everyone else could experience as well. When pain is something I need to tap into to create, my musical playlist changes. Personally, it is my challenge to remember to do as Depeche Mode suggests and take a walk in someone else’s shoes. Doing this helps to ignite my creative, setting my imagination on fire. Then I work to channel that into my own  artwork which I share with the world in blog form at the moment. One day soon I hope to share with an actual physical product, um, er, uh like a published book or two...

In the meantime I use writing as therapy and a way to help me do that tough, often daunting self-work necessary to keep it moving forward. I check the clock and connect back into this big beautiful world around me. I share my writing with the hopes that anyone dealing with directly and/or indirectly with the same and/or similar issues gains some insight that helps them to deal with their own challenges.

This is not to say that I am perfect, I freely admit I make mistakes. I also prefer to say I have no regrets. Uh, you went to jail for 3 weeks last year isn’t that a regret? Nope, mistakes I made played out in yet another weird way for my life. I’m not a celebrity yet, so I don’t have to worry about the whole planet knowing what I do. I do care about what the people in my life circle, my friends, family and community, think about my actions. I can say this because I trust that the reason for my recent incarceration was necessary for my life.

Through a belief in a Higher Power, I’ve gained this knowledge by living each day. Also I have a willingness to face the next one. There is a life lesson to be learned in how these events will play out. At this time, I’m cursing my Goddess out and doing a lot of self-care while I wait and see the results. I’m once again turning this Bipolar Experience into a blessing instead of letting it be a punishment for the crimes I committed. I'm facing a judge without the aid of a Johnnie Cochran. Remember my black ass is broke, poor, so I've got to leave my fate in the hands of a public defender. My lawyer is doing her best which is all I can ask of her. I thank Goddess daily that I’ve learned to take something potentially painful in my life and remove the power it has over me.