My Relationship With Goddess, Feel Free To Form Your Own

What I’ve realize recently is this, I have a very personal, deep rooted relationship with God. I’ve had it all my life. This is not unique to me. It is true of every single being in the universe. What I know is not everyone calls this God. Some just consider it Self, some say Budda, Allah, the dog next door, the thing they’re addicted to, whatever a person calls It, It is real.

The first time another person forced their will on me, my connection to Goddess was inprisoned. It was locked behind a mental block, a wall was erected in my mind and God hung out beyond me, locked away inside that mental jail. As I grew up, made mistakes, was tested and had failures in my life, experienced pain, the bars, locks, and walls got stronger, bigger, overwhelming.

Reinforced cycles of abuse from my parents kept placing fear blocks on my mind. My mother’s fears of rape and pregnancy were transferred to me. I managed to avoid both. My bio dad’s fear of the white man, was not. I saw his fear and decided to figure out what it was he found so damn threating about them. I dated a white cop in college to punch that one home for myself. Good guy, turns out he’s bipolar too. We’re still friends today.

The mind is the only true domain of every being on this planet. Despite some people’s belief that they can read another person’s mind, it has yet to be proven to me. I find it interesting that the man considered the smartest on the planet is basically only a brain in a broken body. Stephen Hawking’s ability to think is charted as exceptional. He can be quoted as saying, “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”

For me having a manic episode is like breaking through a lot of the blocks and locks on my mind. I have a deep understanding of myself, that I can only explain as God’s will working in my life. The problem is when my thinking hits the magical possibility level and basic laws of many human experiences disappear. Also add to that, I feel so wonderful I want to share with everyone around me. In my younger days I tried to force my perspective on others. In other words, I was doing to another person exactly what was done to me to put me in my mental prison in the first place.

What I know today is that my bipolar diagnosis was a major lock on my mind. For the first time in my life I didn’t trust my brain. I was told it was broken, sick. I was told by people I loved and who loved me not to trust myself. I was informed by people with a piece of paper and some letters on it received after an education that they knew better than I did about how my brain worked. I was told to trust doctors in general, and here stood a group of them telling me I was mentally ill.

What I believe to be true today is when I was first diagnosed, I had no understanding of what was happening to me. What I learned by having full blown manic episodes every once in a while over the last 19 years is that they are spiritual in nature for me. What I believe to be true about having them is that it was the only way for me to learn how to trust myself and my connection to God. I had a full blown manic episode last month and I checked myself into the hospital for the third time. I feel this was my last full blown manic episode, because I believe I finally have the answer to why I was having them in the first place.

Each fear I developed fell away and I saw the person I could be without misinformation and mistrust of myself. I see the divine plan of my life as put forth for me by my God. I once joked about a resident I had in my personal care home days that had every meal with her Jesus Christ. Not my or your JC, her son of God. What is funny about that now to me is she was correct. It was her relationship with what she called God. Just as this is my relationship with what I call Goddess most days.

My post mostly written while manic ‘How To Be A Better You’ was my way of saying that I believe you’d be a lot happier with yourself if you could trust your own relationship with your own Higher Power. I mention in the post that you were born to change the world. I believe we were all born to change the world and that we forget this fact through living. Yet, I know I can't say what is right for you, only you can do that.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience so I’m bound to make mistakes. For me, I feel part of my journey is trying to explain this in a way that makes sense to others. But as I’ve said from my very first manic episode, “When I stop making sense, please let me know.”