Suicide is and isn’t a funny subject matter. To me, the idea of taking my own life, not going to happen for quite a few reasons which I will explain in a moment. But I like to say, “Of course I’m suicidal. Why do you think I smoke?”
Although it is not the popular opinion, death is an option for me daily. I find almost all bipolars have these thoughts too. While spending time inside a mental hospital you get asked a lot of the same questions over and over again but the one the doctors ask most is, “Are you having any suicidal ideations today?” Do you want to die? Would you like to kill yourself?
How you answer that question and others like it determines how long you spend inside. From jump street I know to answer ‘no’ to this question if escape (pronounced just as Dory said it when reading it) is in my game plan. If I want to stay longer, at no charge, I answer yes to it. It is illegal for them to kick you out of the hospital if you are a danger to yourself or others. It becomes a situation of they are aware of your intention and should you take your life or go homicidal and they released you, malpractice & criminal charges up the wazoo.
Anyway, back to why I wake up and choose life off the life or death menu. Music. Great things like going to Europe for the first time six months after my first suicide attempt. I got to meet Type-O-Negative in 1999 while living in London, UK. My mother said that if her autopsy reported her as a suicide, I was supposed to start the manhunt for her killer. And Tracy, my cousin through marriage, who successfully committed suicide when I was twelve years old with her mother’s gun. Tracy thought she was pregnant, she was fourteen at the time. Today, she would have had a show on MTV.
As I just said, I wake up and choose to keep on living every single day. On the days when it’s a hard choice or when I give up entirely I rage and rant at my Higher Power, Goddess, and tell her I give up. I’m ending my life. I’m going to do it for sure, only I’ll wait until tomorrow to end my life, just in case. I’ll sleep on it, but if tomorrow isn’t any better I’m meeting my maker, then promptly heading downstairs to the condo I purchased in hell, cuz, er suicide. Usually I discover something that keeps me living, like a new to me song the following morning. Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive (video below) is one such song.
Yes, I make light of suicide as it plays a role in my life, but a lot of bipolars and/or depressed people just can’t do that. Trust that whatever you are going through today will not be true next week, or tomorrow, or six months from now. If you think back on your life, you know I’m right. So give it until tomorrow, and your Power Source (whether you believe in one or not) will send you what you need to face another day.
Although it is not the popular opinion, death is an option for me daily. I find almost all bipolars have these thoughts too. While spending time inside a mental hospital you get asked a lot of the same questions over and over again but the one the doctors ask most is, “Are you having any suicidal ideations today?” Do you want to die? Would you like to kill yourself?
How you answer that question and others like it determines how long you spend inside. From jump street I know to answer ‘no’ to this question if escape (pronounced just as Dory said it when reading it) is in my game plan. If I want to stay longer, at no charge, I answer yes to it. It is illegal for them to kick you out of the hospital if you are a danger to yourself or others. It becomes a situation of they are aware of your intention and should you take your life or go homicidal and they released you, malpractice & criminal charges up the wazoo.
Anyway, back to why I wake up and choose life off the life or death menu. Music. Great things like going to Europe for the first time six months after my first suicide attempt. I got to meet Type-O-Negative in 1999 while living in London, UK. My mother said that if her autopsy reported her as a suicide, I was supposed to start the manhunt for her killer. And Tracy, my cousin through marriage, who successfully committed suicide when I was twelve years old with her mother’s gun. Tracy thought she was pregnant, she was fourteen at the time. Today, she would have had a show on MTV.
As I just said, I wake up and choose to keep on living every single day. On the days when it’s a hard choice or when I give up entirely I rage and rant at my Higher Power, Goddess, and tell her I give up. I’m ending my life. I’m going to do it for sure, only I’ll wait until tomorrow to end my life, just in case. I’ll sleep on it, but if tomorrow isn’t any better I’m meeting my maker, then promptly heading downstairs to the condo I purchased in hell, cuz, er suicide. Usually I discover something that keeps me living, like a new to me song the following morning. Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive (video below) is one such song.
Yes, I make light of suicide as it plays a role in my life, but a lot of bipolars and/or depressed people just can’t do that. Trust that whatever you are going through today will not be true next week, or tomorrow, or six months from now. If you think back on your life, you know I’m right. So give it until tomorrow, and your Power Source (whether you believe in one or not) will send you what you need to face another day.
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